When the "Majority" Rules

I remember as a kid, playing with my dolls on the carpet in the front room.  The T.V. was on and my dad was watching it.  There were no cartoons on so I wasn’t interested in what was on the T.V.  I heard a strange noise behind me and turned around to see what had happened.  (It was that kind of a noise, kind of a strangled, choking sound.)  My mom had gotten up from her chair and was sitting on the arm of the sofa with her arm across my dad’s back, stroking his hair with her free hand.  My dad was sitting forward on the edge of the sofa with tears streaming down his face. 

“It’s beautiful,” he managed to choke, “so beautiful.”

He was staring at the T.V. screen and my mom was smiling at him and hugging him.  Whatever it was that was making him cry couldn’t have been too awful, if mom could smile about it.  But, my dad?! Crying?!?!  I’d NEVER seen it before.

I looked back at the T.V.  It was just a sea of people.  Thousands and thousands of people standing there, with a big needle-like monument at the far end of that sea of people.  I looked back at my dad, not comprehending at all why a vast ocean of people, standing in front of a monument, could possibly make my dad cry.  I was too scared to ask.  I kept staring at this great crowd of people trying to figure it out.

August 28, 1963, I was a month past 5 years old, and that day is blazoned in my mind forever because my dad cried at the sight of people organized to insist upon their right to the constitution.

Being a brown man himself, it meant that he, too, might finally get to enjoy constitutional rights. 

I mention this because I just finished watching “The Great Debaters.”  The atrocities that were a matter of course back then, remind me of what is happening today with all this “Terrorist” red flag waving.

Don’t get me wrong, I think real terrorists are criminals and should be treated accordingly, prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

But people who simply have beliefs outside the Judeo-Christian religions should not be treated as terrorists simply because of their skin color or their manner of dress. 

It should also be mentioned that people selling paraphernalia over the internet should not be arrested for terrorism simply because the law enforcement agencies cannot get to them any other way.

The effect being that everyone then becomes subject to being a terrorist and having their bank accounts, homes, cars, everything taken from them. 

So, if like Tommy Chong, you are peaceably selling your hookah pipes online and the local law enforcement authorities are pissed because you are, in their opinion, flagrantly flouting the law.  They can now use the Homeland Security Act, to label you a terrorist, because your “ill-gotten gains” are being used to fund terrorist groups.  These same law enforcement personnel do not have to PROVE you are funding terrorist groups with your hookah pipes, they only have to make the accusation in order to seize your bank accounts, your home, your inventory, your life.  My goodness!  What a field day they can have with this wonderful Homeland Security Act.  Everyone even marginally outside the law can now be arrested and their assets seized.  Marvelous and marvelouser! What a windfall!

“Terrorism” has become the “Communism” of our era.  If you don’t like what someone is doing, paste a terrorist label on them, take away ALL their civil liberties (they can do that now because of the Homeland Security Act) toss them in jail and let them rot.  They are denied benefit of counsel, denied due process, and there is no oversight of any sort.

Until the Berlin Wall fell, Communism was the red flag waved in front of America’s eyes to keep everyone fearful and under control.  Since the Communists are no longer a viable threat, a new enemy had to be found to keep America so fearful it would go along with the stripping of all civil rights.  For our own good mind you.  Just trying to keep y’all safe from those nasty Communists, I mean Terrorists.  Oh yes, by all means, suh, let me live in fear so that your corporations can continue to make six billion dollar quarterly profits.  I’m grateful you have my best interest at heart.  Carte Blanche!  And the corporations said “Amen!”

The problem here, as it was then, is confusing the right of the individual to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, as well as religious freedom, with the “right” of the status quo to maintain its colossal profits.  As for this white blanket being thrown over America, the total white-out of the constitution, what can be said for those who are using this fearful climate to enrich themselves at our expense? 

Shrub and his cabal certainly got everything they wanted after 9/11.  An America shaped into their image.  The corporation rules.  Finally!  Privatize the war in Iraq.  Here you go buddy, thanks for your campaign contributions.  Told you I’d do right by you.  God bless those terrorists for driving planes into our citizens.  Now we can do anything and everything we always wanted. 

Nobody would dare question their behavior for fear of the accusation of communism, I mean terrorism, being applied to their dissenting view.

And now, the same people who Shrub relied on to make America a corporation, those same people want the American government to declare bankruptcy (you try cutting 1 trillion dollars and see what happens) so that, and HEAR ME NOW, the government will HAVE TO turn to those same corporations that got us into this mess, to provide the goods and services that our government can no longer financially provide.

Quite a good strategy, don’t you think?  Continue to get exactly what they want with the appearance of having “tried” to stop this out-of-control train.  (Excuse me a minute, I have to go throw up.)

We are an America that has shut our eyes to what our government has done to us.  If we continue to cling to the belief that it was done to “protect” us, then shame on us. 

It is going to take a very long time to undo what Shrub and his cabal did to us.  It’s not going to be easy.  Mostly because the beneficiaries of Shrub’s beneficence do NOT want to give up their six billion dollar quarterly profits.  (I won’t even go into how wrong their thinking: “What’s good for corporations, is good for America.”)

I believe it can be done.  Turn our eyes back to education, health benefits, social programs and most of all create jobs such as was done under Roosevelt.  Start fixing the infrastructure of our own country.  Build roads, bridges, dams, schools, art centers.  That is at least one solution to our current dilemma.  And it’s an honest solution in which the true majority of American people will benefit not just the top one percent.

Technology & Me

The internet is not working.  Is this a sign? Quit playing those stupid games and WRITE!!! MmmHmmm. I’ve already determined that I suck at writing so why torment myself with it.  However, the OCD kid inside my head keeps chanting: gotta write, gotta write, gotta write.  Bueno pues! Oh, and Time Warner Cable will be out here on Thursday.  Two days from now to fix it.  I am so pleased with their alacrity!

I just got home from walking all over downtown Austin.  I had to go to Austin Community College to see if my financial aid appeal had been approved.  Nope! I have to go back tomorrow morning for an appointment with department manager because he wants to know what my career plans are.  Huh? Or maybe it was he wants to know…. Um, I don’t know what he wants to know.  But he’s not satisfied with my saying that it’s been 28 years since I got my B.A. and I’m not sure I even know how to use my brain anymore.  I want to start out slow on this education venture, get my brain acclimated to studying and writing papers again and THEN apply to grad school.  Perhaps that is not good enough.  I have to want to finish an associate’s degree and then they will grant me financial aid.  Well, isn’t that rather a waste of money?  I only need about a year to get back into the swing of things.

I suspect, since the whole world is out of work right now, that the financial aid money is hard to come by.  In my case though, I am only eligible for loans.  So, what’s the big deal?  If I say I’m going to pay them back, I will.  They can see that I paid off my previous student loans. 

I’m getting all jacked up over this and I don’t even know what their problem is yet.  I suppose just pray about it and hope for the best.  Although, I must throw this in there, my luck has been running quite muddy these days.  I’m almost convinced I’m NOT going to get the financial aid and then I’ll be right back where I started from.  Nowhere. 

I have tried to keep a positive attitude through all this but quite frankly, I’m beat down.  I’m “whatever” to everything.  Couldn’t care less.  Yadda yadda yadda.  Not the best attitude to have in this present darkness.

I just tried punching the modem to see if that would help. 

Nope.  The cable light is still off.  It worked for a minute this morning, after I called TWC, just long enough to check my bank balance and then had to rush down to ACC.  Now, of course, it won’t work for love or her money.  Sigh!

For the most part though, I am so indifferent to what is happening to me.  Probably not the best attitude to take.  But I just can’t keep up the anxiety and emotional turmoil that all this would be causing me if I remain fully conscious of my situation. 

The problem with the modem being out is that I can’t look for work either.  You gotta love the universe for its light-hearted sense of fun.  Well, I guess I’ll just read a lot then.  Wait for TWC to show up.  Hopefully, just replace the modem and then we’re off and running again.

Another thing to complain about is my GD leg!!! Chingao! I’m tired of this! Freakin gimping all over the place.  Towards the end of my walk home my leg started shaking like it had reached the end of its endurance.  Well, suck it up sister-girl, nobody can help you with this.  It was diagnosed as ilial-tibial band strain two years ago.  No amount of stretching, dancing, swimming, walking, not walking, resting, sitting, laying down, has one bit of effect on it.  In fact, the pain has now moved from the groin area out to my hip and down to my knee. 

I’ve just spent four weeks getting acupuncture, only one treatment really did any good.  The rest of the time I feel like I’m just being hopeful and nothing comes of it.  Sort of like my life right now.  Hey! My gimpy leg is a metaphor for my life. 

Sigh!

Okay, the positive side… My phone is working again.  Joel came over and pressed a bunch of buttons, upgraded firmware (whatever that is) and something PRL blah blah.  I have no idea what any of these things are but my phone is working again.  Yeah!

I hate technology. Inanimate objects that are way smarter than me.  I just stare dumbly at it, terrified to press a button in case that's the one button that will reformat the hard drive or wipe out all stored phone numbers. I really hate that I am so easily defeated.

I guess I’ll quit bitchin and go read. 

Is There Anybody In There? Just Nod If You Can Hear Me.

What if all this were an illusion. Some manifestation of an inability to face the harsh coldness of reality.  What if I am living out some illusion of what I think is happening.  That none of this real.  That I am in fact, laying in some hospital somewhere recovering from a head wound.  Or, that some huge shock to my system happened and I never recovered from it, but instead dived into this “life.”  While in fact, I am not walking the earth at all.  That others have come to me to tell me I have to snap out of it.  If I don’t, I’ll be lost forever. 

That is the dream I was having when I woke up this afternoon.  That I am, in fact, quite insane.  That if I don’t change my ways, I’m going to stay that way.  Sounds like Shutter Island.  It kind of freaked me out until I started writing this now.  What if I’m living in the Matrix.  Now, that IS crazy.  I watch way too many movies.  All of them sound like the beginnings of some great stories.  However, they also all sound like they’ve all already been done. 

Not an original thought in my head.  Which is indeed a bummer but is not grounds for insanity.  Just banality.  I don’t know which is worse.  Ordinary. Done before.  Nothing special.  Truly a bummer.  I guess I’m not as groovy as I thought I was.  Damn the luck! 

It’s interesting what prolonged unemployment is doing to my brain.  I never realized how important being useful and productive is to me.  You would think I’d be embracing all this free time.  Living for the day and being happy that none of that troublesome employer crap is being poured onto me.  I should be gloriously happy each day of my freedom.  I suppose I would be except for the anxiety of not knowing if I’m going to have rent money in seven days.  What if something happens to me and I need medical attention. 

Well, that one is already happening.  But tough noogies on me for not having medical insurance.  Just have to gut it out.  Live with the pain and the inability to walk without paying for it with excessive pain for at least two days afterwards.  Sigh! I am pretty sick of this shit.  I tried not taking the muscle relaxers yesterday and did not take one last night when I went to bed.  The result was, again, not being able to walk.  Hahahaha!  I tell you, this really sucks.  I am going to just have to bite the bullet and call the acupuncture place and make the appointment.

I did apply for a 6-9 month contract assignment today.  I got an email back saying that if my resume meets their specifications someone would contact me next week.  So there’s something to hope for.  Hahahaha!  I love my life!

I think I’m rather bitter tonight.  What brought that on?! I thought I had been holding my own in the face of all this adversity.  But perhaps I was just pushing it aside until I could really get pissy about things.  LOL!

I suppose at some point all this will turn around.  I suspect that is where the notion of “not facing reality,” came from in my dream.  That if I want things to be different.  I’m going to have to do something different.  I mean, REALLY different.  Something completely outside my comfort zone.

All I can think of is going back to school.  I’m not passionate enough about anything to get into grad school.  I like learning but I don’t know that I want to spend a gazillion dollars on something that I’m only peripherally interested in.  I like a lot of areas of study: myths & legends; social structures; anthropology & history; what makes people tick.  All those things interest me.

But do I want to go to school and get answers to all those questions?  Not really.  I like speculating.  I don’t want to be convinced one way or another about anything.  I like things vague.  Makes things much more interesting.

On the other hand, I am passionate about writing.  But all the fear and insecurity jumps right up and says, “fuggedaboudit!”  I’m not good enough.  I suck.  Nobody is going to read this tripe. Talk about unoriginal.  Sigh!

I am pretty brutal when it comes to my writing.  The problem is that I truly believe that I DO suck.  Perhaps I do.  It doesn’t stop me from writing.  Well, actually, yes it does.  Why waste my time on pushing out tripe? 

This writing tonight is my attempt to break through that barrier.  Okay, maybe I do suck, but it’s the only thing I truly care about.  So, lighten up on yourself for a second and see if something non-tripe can be produced.  I have a vicious little censor in my head about my writing.  I’ll never measure up.  I’ll never be good enough.  It’s better to not even try.  What is that John Prine song, “…a thousand young poets who failed because they tried.”  I’d like to at least try. 

Easier said than done.  But since I’m in some kind of clearer head space right now.  Willing to take the baby steps necessary to get me from this fucked up space to a more …. I don’t even know where I’m trying to get to from here.  Just away from all this uncertainty and fear. 

This is some scary shit!

Somehow this all feels fraudulent to me.  Sitting in my chair reading I look up and think, this isn’t mine.  My hold on this is not real.

It gets a little frightening when my checks don’t clear the bank in a timely manner.  If a check is deposited in the morning on a Saturday, shouldn’t they clear at 5pm? Or is that only on weekdays.  Fine, it’s after 5pm on Monday.  Whaddup?! I’m not good at this.  I have always had enough money to pay all my bills and have some left over.  Now I’m anxious because a check takes 5 days to clear.  Sigh.  I am so not good at this.

I should be used to it by now.  I was fine until Christmas.  I was up in Dallas for three weeks, looking for work, helping a friend who had a stem cell transplant and of course, with my family for Christmas.  But I wasn’t paying close enough attention to my credit card use.  Most of my purchases were necessary.  Gas for driving back and forth to Baylor every day.  Groceries.  And, of course, having to get medication and pay for a doctor’s visit when I got a sinus infection.  Things did NOT go as planned.  LOL! At any rate, I ended up spending too much money, which I did not have. 

You know, I’m already tired. Like my friend Barry says, “Is there a caboose to this train of thought.”  It’s just this.

I can generally keep my anxiety in some kind of balance.  But today I’m freakin hard.  I’m not sure why today all of sudden I can’t find any hope.  Probably because it is after Christmas and still there is nothing happening.  I suppose I need to keep having faith in spite of all evidence to the contrary.  Just keep believing that something is going to change.  Hopefully soon. 

In the meantime, I guess, I have to start looking into alternatives.  Like going back to school.  I’ve done some research on getting a paralegal certificate.  I’ve worked as a paralegal for 15 years but I don’t have a certificate.  That might help my marketability.  The other alternative is to go back and finish my masters degree.  I haven’t wanted to do either of those options in the past because I didn’t want to be a poverty stricken student.  Hahahahaha!  Well! The poverty-stricken bit is already here so what’s to lose?

Okay, so, tomorrow, I continue with the “go back to school” option.

Debut Post

So! I've been unemployed for eight months now. I'm fed up with laying about waiting for something to snap.  I think I have submitted over 700 resumes and even the $10/hr jobs ignore me.  So, I thought I'd start blogging about it.  Why keep my misery to myself.  If I'm going down, I'm not going down alone.  LOL!  At any rate, I'm having a hard time focusing on this.  There are so many elements involved here I don't know where to start.  I think I better go put the coffee on. This may take awhile.

Where to begin.  Get some music going and let ‘er rip. I’ll be glad when my computer gets fixed.  I only have to wait until Thursday for Dell to ship my new hard drive.  I really kind of suck at this.  I’m not much of a revealer.

It’s amazing what a little dance session can do.  Although, I really hate that all I want to do is go back to my games on Facebook and forget this whole revelation thing.  A little Daddy Yankee, a little REM and I’m all ready to live again.  I suppose since I’m in the music capital of the world, I ought to take advantage of that.  I have a good excuse today though.  The temperature dropped to below 60.  I’m not going out there!!

All right yuh big sissy.  At some point this week, I will go out and hear music.